I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
