I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
