the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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