he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
