I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
