finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
