she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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