i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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