You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
