I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
