Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
