I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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