Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
