I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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