it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just pee around me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
