Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if i died would you start the facebook group?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Never joke about your clitoris.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
