Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
