Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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