i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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