Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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