dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize