Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
