I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
