"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
