weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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