yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
