So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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