are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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