Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
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