Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
