He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
