i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
