the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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