He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I love you. Go after that dick
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
