Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
