my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
