The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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