so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
