I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
