Don't you send me to vm
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
