Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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