Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
