The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
