Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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