Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
