The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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