my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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