Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
