Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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