Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
