1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
