omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
