Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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