White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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