the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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