i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
