I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
