I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
