there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
