you guys were way drunker than both of me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
