I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
