Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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