there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
We smell like vodka and hangover
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