Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
