I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
