Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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