He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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