i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Mom said you looked used
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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