i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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