i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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